I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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