come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
