From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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