I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
