where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Randomize
