Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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