420 ftw
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
