Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just took my morning after pill in the library
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
