I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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