This dress was meant to end up on your floor
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
