you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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