Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i just made my gag reflex go away.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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