I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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