They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
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