Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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