Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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