wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
