I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize