My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
it's like iHOP with fire
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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