they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
