I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
