note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
