i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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