She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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