i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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