I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize