He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
