my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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