At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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