I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
