She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
