I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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