then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
