I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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