Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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