I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
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