jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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