I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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