I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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