she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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