Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
