Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
