I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
