Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
