How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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