did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
