before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
