Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
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