The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
