I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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