JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
