Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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