I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
