happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
try to milk me bitch
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