I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
