There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
