Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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